First and foremost I would like to give warning to those who have had suicidal thoughts and attempts or anyone who can be easily triggered. I'd also like to mention #mentalillnessawarenessweek which took place from October 6th & 12th. As a person living with mental illness, I ask you, please seek support and start the process of getting help if you think you may be living with mental health challenges or illness. There is no shame in asking for help and if you feel like you're not being heard, we'll listen. I took a bit of a break since the last blog .. so let's start off a the beginning of September ...
September 1st to be exact.
On mine and Rebecca's 4th anniversary, we decided to head out for supper even though I wasn't feeling well because of a medication mix-up (I asked for a separate antidepressant because my current one was not helping my anxiety). As we headed up the road I began to anticipate the panic attack I was about to go through. I looked over to Rebecca and asked her to turn the car around, without explaining how or why I wanted her to turn around. I continued to ask over and over for her to turn around and began to panic. As she tried to keep me calm, my uncontrollable anger and sadness took over my body and I began to lash out more than I ever had. At this point, we pulled up to our house and I tried to explain what was going on but my mind would still throw anger and sadness amongst the confusion and fear of what was actually happening. I yelled at Rebecca, "I CAN'T CONTROL IT!"
"Can't control wha......" she tried to get out, as I quickly slammed the glove box shut I had been playing with to try and keep my mind off the thoughts. I continued by getting out of the car quickly slamming the door behind me. The feelings of shame started to kick in. What did I just do? Who am I right now? Am I always like this? All of these thoughts triggered a never-ending feeling of low self-worth and guilt which continued on to depressive and suicidal thoughts.
I began to ask myself, Do I want to be here? Who would care? How would I do it? Would someone notice? and How long would it take? At this point in tears and the plan set in place in my head, I began to head towards the lake where I know one of my biggest fears lies: drowning. I figured it would be the easiest way to do it as I know how fast panic sets in for me in the fear of drowning. I got to about 100ft from the lake and as I looked towards the walking trail down to the beach I noticed my family's golf cart parked at the docks below. I began to think, What about them? What about Rebecca? What about my dog? Reality started to kick back in and I started to realize that I needed to turn around and walk back home right away.
I began to walk back towards the house, tears falling from my eyes. I approached my front door only to realize it was locked and I didn't have a key so I sat in our yard and waited for Rebecca to return. With negative thoughts in mind, all I could think about was a very low feeling of self-worth and suicidal thoughts. Again I began to think about who would notice if I left and who would care. At this point, I couldn't handle it and decided to take another walk around. I headed to the field where we usually take Lucy to play. Walking through the field I began to look around at all the trees and started to pick how and where I wanted to choose my fate. Again panicking in fear and crying laying down in the field looking out towards the lake, I noticed my family out on the water so peaceful and it brought me back to the thought of family and who would I miss if I left. This was a key moment for me in my mental health journey in making the realization that no matter what whenever I feel that way again just think family and everyone you have around you. Everyone wants to help someone its human nature.
So again I proceeded back to the house drying my tears and hiding my fears pretending as if nothing happened. I thought to myself, I didn't look any more or less depressed than the last day so how is Rebecca even gonna notice? We spent about 5-10 min together until I cracked in my thoughts in my head and started having suicidal thoughts again. This is when I realized I couldn't do this alone- I needed help. I asked Rebecca if she could pack me a bag, I don't know how it all works, but I wanted to and knew I needed to go to the hospital. I watched her turn around and head for a bag in the closet like the angel she truly is.
This has been an extremely painful and emotional process to relive the experience to share with you. But I find it extremely important to share our experiences when we can, so we can normalize mental health and illness and normalize finding the help we need before we can't manage it anymore. Please bear with me as I process and write out the next part of this experience. Thank you so much for your support.