It's been a hot minute since I kept you updated on how the antidepressants have been going and y'know the whole living with mental illness thing.
I've hit a really helpless point only two months into embarking on the pharmaceutical journey. We've already played around with doses many times, the front-end staff has quickly learned my name and recognize my voice over the phone and my pharmacist Chris and I are BFFs. As kind and welcoming as that is, it just goes to show how exhausting the journey can be. It never ends. Or so it seems.
Which is why it's SO VALUABLE to hear from people and their own journeys. They went through this TOO ... maybe it didn't end well, or maybe it ended in successful coping skills. But, someone else is going through it too, I'm not alone.
Just before bed tonight, I will have successfully (we hope) transitioned to my third antidepressant. What started as one back in December quickly doubled when the insomnia persisted. Neither ended up doing their jobs without severe side effects.
For example, here are some excerpts from my daily journal (to record signs + symptoms mostly). Sorry not sorry for the vulgarity and epic bluntness:
October 30- feeling pretty down. Gut was yucky this morning and not sure why cuz no snacks. Now having the shits wondering what's going on maybe anxiety. Feeling pretty low and slow and cold today. Possibly SAD
Nov 18- cancelled counseling last minute. Dont want to do anything not get out of bed or work or anything
December 17- went to doc and upped my dose plus something for sleep, can not stay still anymore this is so awful. Hoping pill will help me sleep.
Jan 21- stopped taking mirtazapine for the week to see if there's any change or betterment because if I take it in completely out of commission the next day
I started this journal on October 27th. I've kept track of other things for much longer, my periods, my migraines. But for some reason, this one took longer to start. I think because I always hoped and wished it would go away? So I would just be wasting my time anyways? Or maybe because it's hard to face your demons and become more aware... Because then you have to deal with it!!!!
At the end of the day, the copious amount of doctor appointments, time spent wandering around Shoppers while they fill your prescription, therapy appointments and practicing mindfulness exercises is all routed in trying to better ourselves. We're doing it because we care so deeply about our well-being, that we're not ready to give up.
So, I don't know who needed to hear this today (me, it was me) but you're doing GREAT. You're working HARD on yourself. Is there more you could be doing? Probably. Is there less? Definitely. So keep living your journey, you'll find what works for YOU.
Questions? Comments? Let's be civil in the comments below!